Single. And a single Christian at that. Some would call this a blessing. A time to explore my options about what I want from life, what God wants from my life, what career paths I should be looking into, and scoping out my dating options. Others would call it a curse.  A time of loneliness and too much over thinking about what to wear when getting asked out by a friend of a friend of a friend who you’ve never actually met before. A time of impatient waiting for “the right one” to come along. A time when people ask about your love life and you reply with the answer you’ve said for 25 months now. “Nothing new here. Just me. Just waiting on God and His timing”. You see, I thought I found my person when I was 17. But one broken heart and engagement later, and God has taken us down different paths. So I would have to say it’s been both a blessing and a curse.

A blessing because yes, I have been able to seek Jesus in a way that I hadn’t before. It’s been a time of loneliness that has taught my heart to run recklessly after the One who never leaves me. A time of self reflecting and praying about what kind of wife I want to be, and praying for my future husband. A time of prayer and opening my heart up wide and asking God to just pour out more of Him. This time of singlehood has given me more opportunities to be completely real, openly honest and utterly raw, not only with myself, but with Jesus.

But this singleness has also had its fair share of struggles. How am I supposed to find time to date when I’m working, going to school full time, commuting back and forth from school, completing homework, attending church, getting up early for 5 am workouts, participating at church, and trying to have something that resembles a social life? How do I find the time to meet someone? How on earth does a girl like me find a decent way to date and stay true to her beliefs in the age of casual dating, Tinder and nonchalant hookups? (No judgement here, it’s just not my style). I’ve never been one for casual dating. Not in high school, and not now. I’ve always considered myself to be a total commitment kind of girl. I’ve always figured that once I chose someone, once I knew God had said “Yep, that’s the one”, that would be that. How do I know when God is saying yes? It all feels very confusing, and so at the end of the day, I try not to think about what I end up thinking about the most: my singleness.

Another struggle that comes with being single is having non-single friends. Married friends, friends in relationships. Most days, I really don’t mind being a third (even on occasion, a fifth) wheel to my married friends. I thoroughly enjoy watching God work in the lives of my friends and their marriages, and it makes me look forward to my own marriage and how God will use us.

But what about the now? What about the days when I can’t ignore the loneliness anymore, the longing to have my person by my side? The want for a partner to just do life with? What about the Friday nights where I’ve just finished another three hours of homework and have to start the mountain of laundry I haven’t gotten to because the week has been nuts, and I really just want to be going on a date, with my person, like my friends are doing? What about the Sunday mornings at church where I used to have my person by my side, but now there’s nothing but empty air next to me in the pew and my friends are sitting side by side with their spouses? What about the times when you least expect bitterness to strike and it does?

I thought I would be married by now, or at least planning a wedding to my person. But for reasons God has revealed and reasons God has kept a mystery, I have become single.

A lot of times people will tell you how great it is to be single. And there are many perks to being single, I agree. But what no one really talks about is the loneliness that comes along with it sometimes. The bitterness that can seep into your heart because you’re questioning God’s timing. It’s a difficult road to travel, being single. I want so much to be within God’s will, yet I push my own. I want so much to want God’s timing over my own, yet I complain about how long He’s taking. I deeply desire to be equally yoked with my future partner, yet I don’t take the time I should to pray for him. It’s a cycle and it loops with each rising and setting of the sun. Mostly, at the end of the day, the Holy Spirit gives me two thoughts.

One: I am not alone. Matthew 28:20 is where Jesus said “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”  In the throes of my pity party of loneliness, Jesus is there, nurturing and guiding my wounded heart.

Two: I have a hope and future. Jeremiah 29:11 says: ‘“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” At the end of the day, Jesus is my hope, and He is my future. At the end of the day, I lay my confused and weary soul down at the foot of the cross and Jesus breathes gentle healing on my aching heart.

And so while being single may feel like the biggest obstacle in my life right now, I know that God’s got it. And if God is for me, there is no ocean of struggle wide enough, no depth of loneliness deep enough, no mountain of doubt high enough, no valley of frustration low enough, that could stand against me. Praise You, Jesus. Praise You.

Makenzie Adams Copyright 2017 ©

Photo Credit: Bobbi Adams