I was watching a video one night with multiple prominent Christian women speakers and kept thinking that something was amiss amongst the ladies. As my mind tried to sift through what it could be, I started a checklist in my head. They all love Jesus, check. They all have a ministry and work full-time for Jesus, check. They all tirelessly advance the kingdom of heaven, check. What was it about the one speaker that stood out to me compared to the others? I didn’t know until the next morning when I was driving to work and suddenly it dawned on me, the other two seemed weightless, clean, and joyful. The one who stood out in my mind seemed to be yet relieved of her entire burden. She spoke of sadness, loss and pain. So did the others, but hers I felt more keenly. The others spoke of pain as a distant memory, she too spoke of it as in the past but her sadness, it was still with her. I recognized her. She is in a sense, me.

We all know those women whose perfectly messy bun and house come off as adorable. That’s not me. When my house looks messy, it’s because it is. I didn’t clean. And don’t get me started on my hair. Born with naturally curly, sometimes frizzy hair is never adorable. If I don’t spend a significant amount of time trying to blow-dry it into submission, I just look like a mess. The very un-adorable kind. Make no mistake, I am in no way trying to shame this woman. Her heart for the Lord is precious and completely evident in her life. I’m only bringing this up because if she who has a full time ministry can still be a work in progress, why do I hate myself for still being one? Why do I always think I need to have this all figured out by now? I’m a broken vessel. God has in His infinite mercy chosen to love me. I have in my brokenness chosen to trust Him little, by very, very little. It makes it so difficult to cleanse an untrusting child. If you grew up with a reason to have a hard time trusting, I’m sorry, me too. I used to think it was just me. Incapable of understanding. Studying my Bible for years and never coming to the entirely sanctified version of myself. What was wrong with me?

God gently pointed it out not too long ago. Something I have been pretending not to know for years. My whole life really, FEAR. The big, four letter “F” word. That shadow that lurks around my heart and mind. That steals my joy and hurts my purpose in this life. The weapon that satan uses the most on me because it is so darn effective. It takes courage just to exist in this world. It takes courage to get out of bed, to watch the news, send your children to school, to love and love and love some more. Oh, how much courage it takes! I did and still do all of that. I’m not building a bunker in some undisclosed location, planning to live the rest of my days driving Charlie nuts in a 10 X 10 room. I’m talking about the courage to believe that God loves me. Just me. Not just a general statement, “God loves everyone”, of course I believe that. But to think, He knows my name, He purposed me, He loves me in spite of me. That’s terrifying. I’m not good enough, strong enough, cute enough, thin enough, sin-free enough. My words and heart aren’t pure enough. In my experience growing up, I was a very disappointing daughter. Oh how I wanted my dad to love me! He struggled because I reminded him of the one person in the world he disliked the most, himself. I looked like him, I acted out like he did when he was young. He was the one whom his father didn’t love. I tried for years to make him love me and when that didn’t work, to hate me. And I brought this dysfunction into my relationship with my Father God. I didn’t know how a Father loved His daughter but I assumed if I wasn’t good enough, fast enough, that He must hate me. I was a giant disappointment to God and all of heaven. I would try, fail to be perfect and then fall back into self-loathing. The least favored child, the one destined to screw up. It’s so hard to dare to hope.

Ephesians 3:14-21 grabbed my attention and my heart with this gem…

Ephesians 3:14 For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, 16 that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 19 and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. 20 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Did you see that?  Right here… “May have the strength to comprehend with all the saints (that’s us) what is the breadth and length and height and depth and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge”

It takes strength and courage to comprehend the love of Christ because we have NO KNOWLEDGE of ever having been loved like this. Wow, just wow. His love is so deep and wide and perfect we cannot comprehend it. It’s beyond our understanding. But the Holy Spirit will strengthen us with His power in our spirits to be able to understand more and more the love that God has for us. Our perfect Jesus, loving imperfect us.  Set your baggage down sister! You are not intended to be perfect and you most certainly are loved. Right here, right now, just as you are. Jesus already knew everything you would ever do think or say. You are not a disappointment to Him. To say that you are is to say you surprised Him with your bad behavior. You can’t surprise God, He knows EVERYTHING!

So what do I do now?

1. I have in the past had to tell myself that God is not my dad. He is my heavenly Father. His love does not depend on my performance. His love flows from His goodness, not mine.
2. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. I forgave my earthly dad a long time ago and God completely healed our relationship. I still need to forgive myself for hating myself and for basing my worth for so long on what my dad thought of me.
3. Ask God daily for the courage and strength to believe and understand how much and how dearly I am loved by Him. I need to pray Ephesians 3: 14-21 over my life and anyone else’s who struggles to comprehend.
4. Because the love of Christ surpasses knowledge, it must be taught to us. Would you be angry if a two year old didn’t understand Trigonometry? Of course not! Math is a step-by-step concept. Each thing you learn is a building block for the next step. So is love.
5. One last thing I need to remember. God is not impatient with me. He doesn’t need to be, because he already knows when this will all come together in my heart (Please let it be before Heaven!).

 

My prayer for you and today is simple:

Father,                                                                                                                                                                   You are the genesis of love. All love began with you. You love us first, best and completely. Give me courage today to believe you. The world is harsh and unloving but you are not. Give me the strength to comprehend this amazing gift that I already have, the perfect, matchless love of Jesus Christ. Increase my understanding of your love every day that I may be filled with all of your fullness. And help me to love others out of the abundance of love you give me. Thank you for loving me, thank you for doing more than I could ever ask or think. I love being your perfectly loved, cherished, adored daughter. Amen.

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