Disease has a funny way of changing time. I don’t mean “It’s time to wake up”, time or “Time for bed”, time. I mean “when was he diagnosed with cancer”, time. Suddenly your life is marked off by a calendar marking time in a way you have never done before. Your life pre-diagnosis and post-diagnosis. How long has he been sick? 2 ½ years. How many minutes does it take to drive to his house? 9. How many minutes from the time you called 911 until the ambulance arrives? More than 10 but the fire department guys who we like much better get there in 5. And larger, broader strokes of time, “Lord how much longer” and “Thank you Jesus for helping my dad again this time”.

Your friends and family adapt to your new way of speaking “Sorry I can’t this time”, “It’s my turn to meet the nurse this time”. You ask your bosses if you can leave early “one more time” even though everyone knows, it won’t be the last time. You enter new sentences into every conversation with your only precious sister and we say foreign things, speak in new ways that we’ve never spoken before. “He was great this time”, “the doctor will check that again next time”, “It’s my turn you did it last time”. And this new language becomes more familiar and you get it down to a shorthand because you can’t take the time to speak in full sentences. And your brain measures everything. You are not spending enough time with your husband, children, cleaning your house. You have no vacation time left because he needed you and it was worth it, every time. When was the last time I talked to my sister without talking about doctors, nurses, sugar, pulse ox and on and on and on again. Until it stretches out and you can’t remember who you were before. Before Cancer, before the surgeries, before you knew the things you never wanted to know. Before things became complicated, a simpler time.

And at some point you realize that time is God’s commodity. We cannot produce it, sell it or extend it. While He as the Creator of all things is never governed by time and time cannot contain or hold Him. Time is nothing more than an ant on a leash to God. He allows us to mark time, and when marking time is all that you do, he pulls you close and reminds you that you cannot control time, no matter how hard you try.

Peter said in 2 Peter 3:8 But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.

I agree Peter and sometimes one day feels as though you’ve lived a thousand years. And that day is usually the last day. The last time you saw them. The last time you called 911. The last time his neighbors came running to help. And suddenly time rushes forward and God allows it to engulf you. To carry you onward to honor him one last time. And even though you prayed and asked God “when will you take him home LORD? When will it be time” God understands when you say “I just want one more time”. The Lord, the Lord, the glorious Lord!

I’m a witness to the grace of God upholding me minute by minute.  I have found more grace than one person can hold in the seconds with God. When he said “I will never leave you or forsake you”, He meant for ALL time. Not just this time or last time but EVERY time. Why was I so slow to learn that? God helped him every time and by helping my dad he helped my sister and me too. His grace never gave out. He is Elohei Chasdi, The God of my kindness. Over and over I prayed help me be brave, help me to have less fear, help me Lord, help me. And He did. Every single time, without fail. What God is this that we serve! Who can understand His track record! There is no end to His goodness, His mercy and care. If we would not have gone through this season of time we would not have understood like we do now that Jesus is the one you can count on every time.

Every time

Every time

Every time

Time goes on and now we say new even stranger words. Words like “remember when” and “Dad would have loved that” Our dad’s earthly life has become a past tense and we are torn between speaking correctly and wanting to somehow bring him into the present tense with us. Dad loved this or that, not loves, as in currently. But time is God’s commodity, not ours.

Isaiah 46:9-10 (ESV) 9 remember the former things of old; for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me, 10 declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things not yet done, saying, ‘My counsel shall stand, and I will accomplish all my purpose,’

He knows the end from the beginning. He knew He would be there for us every time but that was something we had to learn. Growing in faith takes most of us time. A long time, a highway through a desert by foot, time.

Is that the time you’re in too? Marking days, hours, seconds? You look back and think when will you deliver me, him, them? I can relate.  The best advice I ever got from God during that time was “It’s none of your business. You take care of what you need to take care of and I will take care of you”. He did, He never failed me, never failed any of us, not one time. Hear that, know that.

And as we move forward marking time in a new way, free from disease but certainly not free from pain, we will tell others who speak the time language, what the LORD has done. We will tell them that the Lord is good, He is kind, He is the only one you can count on at all times. And when we see my dad again, it will be as if it was no time at all. One second he was here, then he was there. He was sick and suffering and less than a micro-second later he was healthy and whole. And we will be together again and we will worship the Lord together for all time.

Photo credit: Bobbi Adams

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